october

the music plays
astronauts float
i wonder if he is listening.

quiet for days
i put my ear to the ground

cold cold dirt
beneath my hands
and i listen

wonder

windy
crisp
it stings
i shiver

i remember the beginning

sweet sweet sweat

i remember

he hears my heart
beating through my palms

cold damp dirt
earth raw flesh

he always
listens

sets me free
i am alive

october is born

our october returns

bangers ball

2:00
neda is beating her head against a wall

2:01
michael has a slight flush in his face and downcast eyes.

2:02
neda has no flush, her eyes too are downcast
her forehead raw

2:03
neda's forehead blood is on michael's hands.

2:03
neda's heart fluttered at the thought

2:04
michael washes his hands not unlike lady macbeth, obsessively, tirelessly, muttering.

2:05
and neda begins to smile
distracted, the banging stops

2:06
michael's mission is accomplished: get neda, by any means necessary, to stop banging her head.
neda is too old to listen to metal, anyway.

2:06
thank you
for making me smile again

2:06
think nothing of it.

a million miles

words
take.

a glance back
and i knew the moment was gone

another drop
in the ocean

another breath
on the sand

and i linger

wonder

feeling

the weight lifted
as another
returned

lay
lady
lay

give
silence.

a

a cup
four wands
and ten cups full

i thought of you
when she smiled.

calm again
lightness in full
i am ready.

you shall
arrive
when you place
this face
this song
this dance...

and i will catch you.

transformer

what a gift
you are
sweet
sweet
boy

what a gift
you were taken
from one moment
to the next

passed
through

transformed

transformer
shape shifter

here
alive...

everyone's life
with every one laugh
has your shape

your being.
you.

the you.
the you...

do you hear me?

the you,
you
had forgotten

from that moment to the next,
the you
on his way back
who fought
for his next.

the you
is why
you are

now.

may we
be your proof.

what a lesson
what a love
what a life

it is everything.

closer

and so he is
and yet remains

a whisper
a thought
a cloud

his voice
his name
it is written in my sand

and so
i lay my head down

again

to meet him

linger

the walks taken
in my mind
keep you close

damp air
face
salt
sand

movement
underneath the still

light
moon

lay
lay
love

loved
alive

one
breath
shared
whole

by
one
bye
two
of you

belief
beauty
calm
proof

of goodness
of spirit
of path
of me

equaled.

spared

still a flutter
a spin
a sigh
that you remain
that my life is full
with you and many

close
close
so close
with heart
we keep

and they fill
blink
sting
witness

stories
witness
waves

thick
heavy
waves

ange

i miss my punky skunky

heart space

linger soul
black as night linger
within

with
out

you

here
me

sway in the depths
let the dark hold
cradle
encompass to become

be
come
close

know
this heart.

today is for you

the sky is full white
with no trace of your blue,
yet you remain
crisp
clear
solid
in my mind and in my heart.

take me for your self
experience
again
this place.

with every
breath, my thought, my step,
today is yours,
as my heart is forever.

you are missed.
you are loved.
you are alive
with me.

he comes to me through songs

"to be alone with you"

I'd swim across lake Michigan
I'd sell my shoes
I'd give my body to be back again
In the rest of the room

To be alone with you
To be alone with you
To be alone with you
To be alone with you

You gave your body to the lonely
They took your clothes
You gave up a wife and a family
You gave your goals

To be alone with me
To be alone with me
To be alone with me
You went up on a tree

To be alone with me you went up on the tree

I'll never know the man who loved me

-sufjan stevens

the view we both love

the sky was beautiful today.
i cant wait for us to watch clouds together again :) sofia and i walked down fifth avenue with our necks turned up to the sky to watch them. no one ran into us over the course of the block, maybe they knew we were watching the clouds for you. we smiled.

my lines (a letter to a friend)

dear XXXXX.

life is short and should be sweet.

this past week was a long one
full of realizations for me.

wow.
the incident with rodney was such a scare.
to imagine my life with out him....
the thought alone is enough to well my eyes up with tears.

i am grateful to have sweetness in my life.
i am grateful.
i realize that i have worked hard to create this for myself.

sweetness, love, grace, kindness, support, truth, is a great gift when received.

acceptance
to allow these to move in and out of my life with appreciation.

part of the puzzle for me is balance.
how do i maintain this flow
what do i give of myself to this world so that it continues to give back?

fine lines

ha
ha
i just had a realization
fine lines on a face
i don't want fine lines on my face

maybe thats the key to my puzzle

hmmm...

so back to my thoughts
i guess the fine lines are more clear when i think about the potential of them on my own face.

love
i love loves love

love keeps me young
i am aware of its test

i should give of myself to those that nurture.
who hold my gift
within their hands and hearts as if to accept my beauty as their own

my fine line.
it is ok to give my heart
out and away with each breath.

it is ok.

if stored in a safe sacred space by those whom i give it to
it is ok
it will be ok

and i smile

who accepts?
who appreciates?
who returns?

i know.
i see.
i remember these things.

and so

i love
i give

my lines are clear.

what do i do with the new?

you did not go in vain
remembered everyday
drip drip

sometimes a smile that drips
sometimes a tear
never far
i feel you.

may
be
me

in my heart
our sweetness
never forgotten
always missed
will return.

i heard you.

hard to be
here.
see you in the walls.
laughter echos.
shelters me
yet leaves me cold.

and today...

anxiety

so much can change in just a matter of moments. i felt it coming. my intuition was clear. and then it arrived. i arrived. yet again with the knowledge that my instincts are true.

more like a tornado tears down, rips up, then washes away.

land to be rejuvenated, structures rebuilt.

funny how new construction flies away the quickest.

i'm in love with old houses. so beautiful in their design, character, quality. after the storm still left standing bumped and bruised with a solid core.

dave

tick tick tick tick tick tick tick

mmmmm

a race inside

ticks out of my veins

and i am not an athlete

takes my breathe

he dumps more dirt

and i feel the weight

the sound of the thump on my bare back

reminds me of a day

dark sunny day

where we walked

into a screen

to say goodbye

red clay in mounds

on a hill

we said good bye

as dirt dumped

hit

we cried

i was only 16.

my eyes wide

opened to see clear

i never turned back

it was a metaphor.

marseille

i was
in a bar
in a hole
a hot hole
full of
sound, color, spirit
full

a new friend, a new enemy
an old lover, an old friend and his new lover

we danced
bitter watched
played her game to take him
succeeded
shed light on my truths
thank god

thank her wretched voice
thank the stale smell
thank the laughs
the walks the talks up the street
the repetition that kept us awake

ready for the ride

my new spain.
my new stain.

and so you are.

stamped

once upon a time and twice upon today there was a muse, a lover, an angel who changed me,

who will
keep me
changing
forever.

stamped
a part
we are
apart
for love

back

mortal/ immortal
inspire. send.

bless me back with what you borrowed
with what your heart bore

hello."

messages

again.

he spoke with his loud whisper...
chills came over me.

now i know.
and will
listen with my eyes each time to discover new layers.

so beautiful how we communicate
and he protects.

messages keep him...

another drop drips

another drop
drips
up to the sky.

only to watch
down
upon me...

breaks
spreads
moves through

light heavy
blue
rises.

lightly falls
upon
my shoulders

moves under
my feet.

another drop
drips...

and is carried
this time.

one
forever young
blue
forever old
sees
forever clear as he dripped

never faded

rose

never fell

from my thoughts
and landed
in my heart ...

once more.

live
be
breathe
never
die

forever

young

you will remain.

two ways of life

fall up
rise down
grow numb
die alive

there are two ways of life:

to rise down and grow numb
or
to fall up and die alive

i try to fall up more and more each day
to let go
and allow my life and its path
to catch me
yet again

falling floating trusting...

alive i become

closer to death and its family
where beauty forever resides
in our hearts and in our memories of you

the rest of the force

i have a brother. his name is hunter. we speak like children with smiles and funny sounds. people wonder and we laugh. one day hunter asks " so why do you do it?" and i say " i want to meet the rest of the force". and i am. and i smile. and we chuckle in awe of the truth.

our family is the force
who are you?

may the force be with you.
or may you be with us.

hunter dreams amazing

another?

the other day we spoke and i wondered why he came along my path, what lesson is there that i haven't already learned? so much self reflection...realizations.... and rodney says "maybe he's the one with the lesson to learn with you as his guide to show him". i'm tired. i'm tired. and i am tired of that role... and so the ebb comes on. i feel it seep in. and i allow it to settle. but now that it is here, now that it has come over me, it makes me want to spit. maybe my lesson is to turn away from the thing that comes most natural. maybe my lesson is to accept it all and dig my roots deeper. maybe i am to be an observer, neither give nor receive and if so whats the point and if so will i learn?

patience.

luck biscuits

once upon a time a dear friend rodney used the term " luck biscuit" to describe a dear friend neda. they both laughed and smiled, giggled about the beauty and synchronicity they witnessed within each other's lives. wow. so many roads, so many paths, leading to one precious moment. a biscuit full of luck.

luck.
don't know if i believe in the word. but so many use it to describe the good things. the great things that come along our paths.

pshh. to give luck all the credit takes the very essence away. i believe we are all here as a result of decisions made. everyday, hour, minute we choose to view our worlds in a particular way.

a smiling child i have always been.
i guess being an optimist/gigglist :one who always laughs inside, since the good ole days has made my time here sweet. after getting used to it, its hard to taste the bitter, when i do my first reaction is to spit.

i feel really special to have inspired the phrase "luck biscuit" to me it means my life has positively reinforced what is in my heart...so much so that others view me to be "lucky".
well, that being the case i've decided the importance of constantly observing the unfolding of me: life is a constant decision, an ebb and flow of events through which one's path unfolds.
i want to remember always, the strengths built through breaking past the moments of ebb, the roses smelled along the way, and the ones i love whom have helped to bring me to this point of departure: a life full of luck biscuits.

my first thanks:

rodney white.
i luv me some rodney.
this man is full of the most amazing metaphors for any, every, you name it situation. he has truly added to my quality of life through his observations and his amazing ability to speak on them. this is one wise man i am a luck biscuit to call my friend.